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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 8:46 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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the old thread is lost. :(

anyway.....


A blonde sent me a text message saying, "what does IDK mean?" I said, "I don't know." Then she said, "Oh, my gosh. Nobody knows!"

___________________________________
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:34 pm 
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Jimi Hendrix's Fender Stratocaster
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:smt005

Most of mine are erm .. unacceptable :lol:

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Our shadows softly on the grass, day would break we'd have our laughs
Our shirt tails in the wind, seems like yesterday my friend
I know that we were scared, hurt because you were not there
I know I want it all, wish the sky would fall on me

You and me, always, always


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 9:51 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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HopelessHayley wrote:
:smt005

Most of mine are erm .. unacceptable :lol:


Hahahaha mine too...I will have to think of some clean ones

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 2:16 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 2:28 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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a few French jokes I thought were hilarious(désolé si je offenser personne).

What do you call a French man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!

A man asks his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

How do you confuse a French Soldier?
Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:08 am 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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DCVan wrote:
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


:smt005 :smt005 :smt005 :smt005 CLASSIC!!!

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 6:46 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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World's funniest joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 6:49 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Irritating the Irish
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that,” said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn’t care.”

The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set them off. Watch and learn.”

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off. Just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 7:26 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Food and Drink might be deadly!
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 5:54 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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stupid questions:

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls? :roll:

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?(again :roll: )

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 4:52 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Location: A cottage cheese cottage, between the make believe trees, in the marmalade forest
DCVan wrote:
Food and Drink might be deadly!
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.


:lol: That's great

Here's one I know that's a little risque but not terrible...

A man is sitting next to a woman an airplane, and can't help but notice there is something wrong with her.
Every few minutes, she sneezes, her whole body shakes, and she lets out a low moan.
This continues to happen until finally the man has to say something.

"Excuse me miss, are you alright?"
"Oh yes, I'm fine, thank you."
"I can't help but notice that when you sneeze, you seem to shake..."
"Ah yes, that." The women said.
"I have a very strange condition in which every time that I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man is very baffled by this and says
"That's something else! What do you take for that?"
The women looks at him for a moment and answers...


"Pepper."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 9:16 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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^^ :smt005 Love it!

here's one:
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?




















A: They take the psycho path.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 5:34 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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DCVan wrote:
^^ :smt005 Love it!

here's one:
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?




















A: They take the psycho path.


Yeah that's one of my favourites. I like yours, that's pretty darn clever :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 11:21 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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^^Thanks!
Here's one my favorites:
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

















Because he was outstanding in his field!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:54 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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During the latest World Space Conference, russian cosmonauts were bragging :

"We are the best ! We were the first to launch a satellite into space !"

To which the americans replied : "No we're the best ! We were the first to set foot on the moon !"

Belgian cosmonauts then raised their hands and said : "Well, WE are going to be the best very soon, cause we're gonna be the first to land on...THE SUN !"

All the other countries started laughing hysterically, trying to explain that even millions of miles away from Earth, it would be way too hot to land, making the whole project impossible to achieve.

But the belgians replied : "Haha, we're not THAT dumb ! We're gonna go there by night :D "


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