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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 6:31 pm 
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BB King's Gibson ES-251, "Lucille"
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Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


Ø The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.


Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then
made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'


Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 20, 2009 8:41 pm 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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.. :smt005 ..

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2009 7:10 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....








'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2009 10:11 pm 
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Elvis' Martin D-28
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:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2009 9:39 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Wilma and her husband Fred go to church every Sunday, and during the service Fred falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.
The next week at church Fred falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Fred yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells:IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2009 5:02 pm 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
Angus Young's Gibson SG
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..I had a nightmare the other night, i dreamt i woke up and found that i had a boil on my penis...

..only it wasn't a normal boil..it was Susan Boyle..


ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 10:06 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Funny Slogans, Trashy Signs, Jokes, One-liners and Office Mottos.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 4:53 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a
deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During
the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four
Chinese men.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:39 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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HERE'S A WAY TO GET OUT OF TROUBLE:
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it for drunk driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting stressed. “You what!?”
“She’s in the trunk of the car if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car with a drawn gun.
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem Officer?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”
The man opens the trunk lid, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
“One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “And I'll bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:47 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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:smt005

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 2:44 am 
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Elvis' Martin D-28
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Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 8:04 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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I heard this on a [really stupid] tv show. It's funny when you think about, though:

What's the difference between bitch and complain?



You can't slap the hell out of a stupid complain

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:59 am 
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Chrissy Hynde's Fender Telecaster
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Quote:
Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


:smt005

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 4:12 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:55 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

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