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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:16 am 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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DISCLAIMER

Annie send this to me, so she is the one to put on your hit list, not me.


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*



*





(Wait for it)



*



*



*



(It's coming)



*



*







(Ya ready?)



*



*



*



(Don't hate me)



*



*



*



(Yer gonna hate me)



*



*



*





(Take a deep breath)



*



*



*





'He should've quit while he was a head!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 10:39 am 
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BB King's Gibson ES-251, "Lucille"
BB King's Gibson ES-251, "Lucille"
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Joined: Sat Feb 25, 2006 8:17 pm
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:smt005

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:17 pm 
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Chrissy Hynde's Fender Telecaster
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Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:51 pm
Posts: 366
So a baby seal walks into a club...

*sigh*

In related news, a guy with a club runs into my foot.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:07 pm 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
Angus Young's Gibson SG
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Joined: Wed May 11, 2005 12:58 pm
Posts: 12133
...One man to another, " i saw your name on a loaf of bread yesterday",

...and then i had another look and it said THICK CUT"

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2009 7:38 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Joined: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:58 pm
Posts: 1156
Location: Virginia
James1 wrote:
DISCLAIMER

Annie send this to me, so she is the one to put on your hit list, not me.


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*



*





(Wait for it)



*



*



*



(It's coming)



*



*







(Ya ready?)



*



*



*



(Don't hate me)



*



*



*



(Yer gonna hate me)



*



*



*





(Take a deep breath)



*



*



*





'He should've quit while he was a head!


:smt005 Thanks, James. I was really depressed today, but that cheered me right up. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 6:39 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2005 10:02 am
Posts: 4923
Frank feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she
used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not
quite sure how to approach her,
he talked to the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there was a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand
about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until
you get a response.'
That evening, Frank's wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,
'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for
dinner?'

Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no
response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for
dinner?'



'Frank, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:02 pm 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
Angus Young's Gibson SG
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Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:53 pm
Posts: 19645
That made me laugh. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:55 pm 
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Elvis' Martin D-28
Elvis' Martin D-28
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 12:38 am
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Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
Haha, I love that one! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 11:11 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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Location: west side of the pond
:lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:30 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Location: Glasgow, Scotland
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f**king appendix out!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 7:26 pm 
:lol: @ Elfy


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 8:19 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Location: Virginia
At a traffic court, the judge asked the motorist: Tell me, why did you park your car here?
The man said: “Well, there was a sign that said “fine for parking.”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 8:21 pm 
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BB King's Gibson ES-251, "Lucille"
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Oh very good.
My friend's always telling jokes and I never have any to tell him back.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:57 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Location: Virginia
laughed for 5 minutes:A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!"

my favorite:An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a bar. Suddenly, a fly dives into their beers. The Englishman says, "Barman, a fly just dove into my beer. Bring me another one." The Englishman got another beer. The Scotsman says, "Ah, to hell with it," and empties his pint, fly and all. The Irishman pulls the fly out of his beer, shakes it up and down, and screams, "Spit it out, damn you! Spit it out!"

very funny:An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman turns around and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:54 am 
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Elvis' Martin D-28
Elvis' Martin D-28
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Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
:smt005

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