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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 6:53 pm 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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...If you have one ball in your left hand, and one ball in your right hand, what do you have?

...the blokes complete undivided attention... :smt001


...How do you confuse an Irishman?

...put him in a room full of spades and say "take your pick".. :smt001

(and if anyoine gets offended by that...get a life)


...A Priest, a Rabbi and a Buddhist walk into a pub, and the landlord says "is this some kind of joke"... :smt001


..two cows in a field, and one says to the other, "Does this mad cow disease worry you?"

...and the other cow says, "No not at all, cos i'm a helicopter"



ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 1:28 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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Stephen wrote:
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.


She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'


:lol: :lol: :lol:

That reminds me of another one, prety similar to this one, that I heard years ago.

- Mummy, what's that in that man's underwear ?
- It's his wallet
- Wow, the more he looks at you, the richer he gets !


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 7:50 pm 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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^ :lol:

Why parents have grey hair:
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:00 pm 
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Melissa Etheridge's Adamas 12-string
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- A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.

- Two men walk into a bar.
You'd've thought at least one of them would have seen it.

- A termite walks into a bar and asks
"Where is the bartender?"

- A mushroom walks into a bar and goes to the bartender and tries to ask for a beer, but the bartender ignores him completely. The mushroom then looks to his side and sees a beautiful woman drinking beside him. He tries to talk and flirt with her, but she blows him off as well. Annoyed but not ready to give up yet, the mushroom then goes to the dance floor and begins to shake his thing, only to see all the other dancers walk off the floor. Finally reaching the end of his tether, the mushroom screams, "why won't anyone talk to me? I'm a fungi!"

I know many other jokes, but they're mostly very racist, so I'll keep them for myself. :p


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:05 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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I don't know about anyone else on the forum but I don't really mind racist jokes. Just as long as I get them. :D

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:11 am 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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DCVan wrote:
I don't know about anyone else on the forum but I don't really mind racist jokes. Just as long as I get them. :D


Not bothered either..if its funny..its funny...all the great comedians took the pee out of themselves or their background, for example, Dave Allen or Joan Rivers...

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:57 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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Kind of reminds me of a stanza from a song from Avenue Q:
"Ethnic jokes might be uncouth
But we all laugh 'cause they're based on truth.
Don't take them as personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them, so relax."
:lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 8:29 pm 
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Melissa Etheridge's Adamas 12-string
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Very well then, some I can get off the top of my head.

- A big white man walks into the bar with an alligator under his arm. He walks over to the bartender and asks, "do you serve niggers here?" The bartender is surprised by the racist remark but replies, "yes we do, sir."
"Well then, get me a beer and a ***** for the alligator."

- [Not racist, just forgot it last time.] A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says, "hey, get me a beer and one for the road."

- [This one is especially bad. I mean, seriously. Don't read this. I mean, I never tell it. That's how bad it is.] How many Jews can you fit in a car?
26. Two in the front, three in the back and 21 in the ashtray.

- [This one isn't racist, just mean.] How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
Depends how hard you throw them.

- [I was sure I'd read this joke here, but I can't see it, so I guess not.]
"How do you kill an elephant?"
"I dunno..."
"With an elephant gun. Now, how do you kill a purple elephant?"
"With an elephant gun?"
"No, with a purple elephant gun, of course. So, how do you kill a red elephant?"
"With a red elephant gun?"
"Of course not! You need to get onto it's back, choke the elephant until it goes purple, and then shoot it with the purple elephant gun!"

- [From the movie Snatch] "In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again?"

- What do you do if you see your TV floating in mid-air in the middle of the night?
Scream, "DROP IT *****!"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 12:47 am 
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Willie Nelson's Martin "Trigger"
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We all love a good joke, especially when an a**hole wants to be a b*****d, I p*ssed myself when reading this joke and I hope you do too. Have fun, read on and see if you want to be an a**hole.


One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top… The mouth said, ”I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn’t be able to eat.” Then the stomach said, ”Ya but if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top.” Then the heart said, ”I should be on top because I’m the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die.” Then the brain said, ” Well, without me, you wouldn’t be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top.” Now, the a**hole was beginning to get annoyed, ”You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then sh*t will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up.” It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the a**hole got fed up, ”That’s it, I’m fed up, I’m shutting up my hole.”

So for a few days, the body couldn’t sh*t and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the a**hole to open up, The brain said, ”Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.” The a**hole smiled, ”So everyone agrees that I’m on top?” ”YES” everyone shouted. ”OK!” so the a**hole opened up and the body could sh*t again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an a**hole to be on top…

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 6:07 am 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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^^ :lol:

I'm just trying to picture myself an asshole smiling :smt005


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:08 am 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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Guy wrote:
^^ :lol:

I'm just trying to picture myself an asshole smiling :smt005


Every time Gordon Brown smiles that smug smile of his...

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:16 am 
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Angus Young's Gibson SG
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An Irish builder.....Paddy O'doors... :smt001

Hear about the Irishman who thought an itchy fanny was a Japanese Motorbike?.. :smt001

A man walks into a pub, and see's a donkey in there laughing its head off...the man says to another chap "why's he laughing so hard?"...and the other bloke says "i told him i had a bigger dick than he did".."oh" said the bloke...has his pint and leaves.
The next day the man walks back into the pub, and this time the donkey is in tears, sobbing its heart out.."Whys he crying so hard?", and the bloke who he had met yesterday said, "well you know i told you, that i told the donkey that i had a bigger dick than him, and he laughed his head off?", "yes" replied the bloke, "well" said the other man.."today i showed him it".

Two old ladies on a beach, and a nude man runs past them...one had a stroke...the other couldn't reach.. :smt001

ANDY B... :smt023

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:22 pm 
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Joan Jett's Gibson Melody Maker
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I may get thrown out for this one ...

... How is John Wayne the predecessor to Luke Skywalker?

... He was told "Use the horse Duke"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 10:45 pm 
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BB King's Gibson ES-251, "Lucille"
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What came first the chicken or the egg?

The chicken because the egg had no legs.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:32 pm 
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Elvis' Martin D-28
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How are the Detroit Lions like a possum?





They sleep at home and get killed on the road! :lol:

(Credit to Dennis Douda, WCCO-4 News Anchor in MPLS, MN)

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